Early Beginnings
I have a best friend who speaks to me every single day. He never leaves me, He teaches me when I sit down to study, write and what to pray. He shows me where I have misplaced the keys or the cellphone and He always answers my prayers. I met my friend when I was 5 yrs old when I was staying in a Catholic Academy [Orphanage] and it was there I learned, I had a real Holy Father who loved me, His Son Jesus Christ who was crucified upon a cross for my sins and my best friend The Holy Spirit. I experienced His sweet gentle love through the compassion of Sister Jane’s patience who would take me upon her lap, read my mother’s letters to me and rock me as she answered all my questions. I had been violently abused by my step-father and my mother quickly placed me under the safety of their care until her own life could be restored. Being so young I understood very little, as the trauma had caused me to block the abuse out of my mind, even to this day. I did not find out about it until my mother told me about it when I was in my thirties. Because of this, leaving me with strangers was bewildering. Come to find out, leaving me in the hands of those sisters proved to be the best thing that had ever happened to me. They gave me my early introduction to God’s love.
One of the best things I learned was discipline. The sisters cared enough for me to discipline me when I needed it and they did it with love. The Bible calls discipline love.
“He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.”
Proverbs 13:24 niv.
One day I was on the floor and building a ”designer” house with my blocks and was just about done when my best girl friend “Nancy” [an orphan] walked by and kicked it all down. Upset, I retaliated by picking up a block and throwing it at her. I quickly learned that you do not do that and was disciplined. Now that I think about it, I am not sure if Nancy got disciplined. Any form of anger or un-forgiveness was short lived. No television back then, the children had games and Nancy and I would laugh hysterically when we played cards. I became enriched and bonded to a good life of the love and discipline I craved. I then decided I wanted to be just like the Priest. I had memorized the whole latin mass by heart and had my little friends kneeling in front of me, while I went through the motion of giving the mass. The sisters quickly told me I could not be a Priest and that ended as fast as it had began. I learned Mother Superior watched over the sisters and when she walked down the hall the taps on the bottom of her shoes echoed the authority of her coming our way. My eyes were full of wonder as her big cross would swing to the left and to the right and as she clicked her way through our section, with every little girl she passed, she would smile and with a gentle touch say, “God Bless You, God Bless You.” She willingly gave her love to everyone and with that, received her love back in multiples. Everyone loved her. Now, I decided I wanted to be just like Mother Superior and I too walked down the halls blessing everyone.
We went to mass three times a day and always walked in single file. We prayed before and after we ate. We had our times of learning and times of deep solemness and reverence towards our Father God and afterwards there was much laughter and happiness. In the winter time, we got on the toboggans and sleds and slid down their beautiful white slopes. I don’t remember anyone getting sick while I was there. It was a tearful day for me when I had to leave such a wholesome loving life with Sister Jane and Mother Superior. Nancy and I cried. Would we ever see each other again? I think not.
I was thrust into the things of the world again and the adjustment going from a life of discipline and love into a public school was horrifying for me. According to what I had learned, they were all going to hell by the way they were living, and I told them so! I learned how easy it was to make enemies. Walking home from public school, many threw rocks at me and very slowly I learned that was not the way to make friends. Because we become whom we hang out with, eventually I made many worldly friends.
I came from the “flower child generation” where many were naming their children, “Flower, Willow, Zeus, Pookie-bear, Isis, Star or Moonbeam.” Far out is saying it mildly. Not one of us we’re ever in our right mind. Back then they called it “The Dawning of the Age of Aquarius.” I know there are some who remember that song. This cannot be bragged about, it was not a pretty time.
I grew up.
After a very stormy life filled with family violence, seeing my mother violently abused and placed in the hospital, continually jumping from one town to another, school after school, more divorces, rape by knife point, rolling and bouncing a VW 3 times, drugs, drunken parties, all too much to name. I could not see the obvious warring over the very destruction of my soul. I was a blind fool that had no tomorrow, and yet, I still had a conscience and knew I was doing wrong. Similar to the Prodigal son in the Bible, I landed in a situation where I had to “Be still and know that I am God.” By this time, I was a divorced single mother.
My spirit, soul and body were crushed. I felt I had nothing left and I had only myself to blame. You see, sooner or later we all must come to realize that although you may have had many violent or physical abusive beginnings, unfair judgements, rejections, abandonment, mistreatment by selfish parents or no parents, foster homes, raised by one alcoholic parent or no parents, perhaps you were raised in anger, indifference, lacked love, worst of all maybe you experienced contempt. You may have convinced yourself you were totally unwanted. You are not alone.
Please listen to me.
Here is the truth. Eventually you must wake up and realize that it was you who plowed the field of your own soil, by your own decisions and by those seeds, your crops will come up. It is time to stop blaming others for the things you have done.
I also have hope and good news about that too. Stay with me.
Why do we respond wrong by assuming we have already been forsaken?
My thinking at the time was, that I was not good enough to come back to God. How could He ever forgive me? In fact, at the time I thought everyone in church were good people who did everything right all of the time. Sinless. I was wrong.
It is in our deepest place of sorrow, we have a Holy Spirit that has already been working in our spirit and soul. Yes, this is true.
What about this God whom “through it all” I silently still called My Father? What about this ember I still had in my heart from my childhood? What was that? I did not know a thing about the Bible but I knew it was the word of God. I knew there was Genesis and The Book of John and Revelation. I was in awe of it and I knew it was Holy. I wanted to know where I stood in God’s eyes. I certainly wasn’t headed to heaven. How serious was my condition? I started to seek some answers and I was urged by my Avon lady, to read The Book of John and I became overwhelmed by the reality of truth and the Love of God that was offered to me. Me, of all people who had no direction, no tomorrow and certainly no identity. I discovered there were people in the Bible who were held captive by sin too and Jesus rescued everyone of them!
Picture Jesus of Nazareth passing by, some reached their arms out blindly as they could not see, crying out; “Yeshua Hamashiach! Yeshua Hamashiach” they cried out! “The Messiah has come!,” “Lord have mercy on us!” Those that cried out to Him believed He was The prophesied Christ, The Messiah. As I continued to read, I will never forget the moment I first believed that Jesus Christ was Lord! The eyes of my heart became miraculously opened and for the first time in my life, I discovered the true meaning of real love and real truth. My spirit became alive. God’s Holy Spirit gave me a Love and Faith that saturated my soul inside and outside! I began to understand how His Spirit of Repentance was led by His kindness. He offered me His free gift of grace that would forgive all of my sins! I believed! The more I read, the more I was swamped by love! It was then, by faith I fell upon my knees and asked forgiveness for all my sins. I could not stop crying. I don’t know how long I was there, but I do know that when I stood back up; I was a completely different person. I had cried out for help and I was rescued. I was completely empty. Where’d I go? I felt light, clean inside and outside. I had been born-again.
I did not know it then, but I had been wooed and courted by The Holy Spirit. I did not realize:
“No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws them, and I will raise them up at the last day.” John 6:44 niv
In reply Jesus declared, “I tell you the truth, no one can see the kingdom of God unless he is born again.” John 3:3 niv.
Remember the song? “He brought me out from the miry clay He set my feet on a solid rock to stay. He put a song in my heart to stay.”
Well, that is what happened to me! I was filled with joy!
Every time you see someone who has been genuinely born-again, you are seeing a walking miracle.
This was only the beginning in my life. My sons and I started going to the first church I could find. By night, I would come home from work and study the Bible for at least 5-6 hrs every evening. I could not get enough truth. Joy filled my soul! I went around the neighborhood telling everyone I knew that Jesus was the Answer! Some thought I had gone off the cliff, others thought it was a fad, many listened, some were frightened and could not get away from me fast enough, old friends scattered and still others wanted to hear more. My reputation had changed from party lady to preacher lady. This was before computers and cellphones. All the time I kept digesting the Bible and learned how to look up the greek, hebrew and aramaic words to get a deeper understanding. Back then, I actually had a fairly large closet that had a small counter where I could keep all my books opened in front of me. I could not wait to get into the word! Very simply, If the word declared it, I believed it! On the way to work I would listen to teaching tapes or praise music. I was one of those young crazy christians who had loads of christian bumper stickers in the back of their Datsun! Remember, “Honk if you know Jesus!” Heavy loaded Semi’s would roar by honking! He was apart of my family in Christ! Family was all over the place! Being a single mother, my sons were my first pupils. As I learned, I would teach them everything I knew. We would pray together before they left early for the bus every morning. I didn’t realize what a good habit we were forming. They learned how to pray early in their lives. It was a good thing because they eventually all went into the USMC and did many tours in war torn areas, walked and battled in harms way; but God in His grace kept bringing them home year after year every single time.
Stay tuned about the time I entered “The School of The Holy Spirit.”
