Times change and our days begin to bump into each other. People seem to babble so fast with barely an utterance understood. I ask myself, “Is it me?” Speed limits are increased, yet the cars drive faster. We have more clothes to wear, but cover less. Modesty is no longer cherished to be the guardian of chastity. Perversion has replaced reason and love has become only a word. Everyone seems to have an opinion, but few give truth.
Or, is it only me?
When I was a very young child, summer seemed like a year. The days stretched long on my grandparents farm and were filled with exciting adventures of playing in the corn fields, swinging from the rafters in the barn, calling the cows in to be milked with my grandfather, running across the pastures because we were chased by a bull and swimming in a fast moving creek and then, we’d take turns pulling the blood suckers off of us. Yes, we did that too! One summer when I was about 8 years old, my “friends” placed me on a large grey mare without a saddle or harness for the first time. The giant horse loomed fearless under me. She knew I was frightened and she started to walk, then a slight cantor and then she suddenly took off! “Heelp I echoed!” I tightened my grip upon her mane, we raced down the bottom of the valley and into the pasture where she gave one massive kick, I was thrown into a nearby ditch landing upon huge cushions of grass that left me bruised, but unharmed. I remember glancing at a bobbed wire fence about two feet away. Close call. The farm turned out to be my refuge. I loved my grandparents and I knew they loved me. As I grew, the seasons seemed to balance out and I became disappointed to learn summer was only 3 months.
I sometimes wish there was another way to shake up a soul, other than baring the past character of my own.
Together, you and I will walk through this door so you can see, you are not alone and that I once stood where you are at today.
Growing up, life was not always a stream of holidays for me. In fact, I never wanted to grow up because from what I could see, adulthood held nothing good. I’ve lived with 3 alcoholics [mother, a step-father and an old lady]. I was physically abused by a step-father when I was 5 [as told by my mother because my mind completely blocked out the incident, all I remember is a Doctor coming to see me because I was so sick] and I was placed in a catholic orphanage, obviously for protection. But I didn’t know it at the time. I saw my mother beaten to near death and given a blood clot in her brain and hospitalized by one of my many step-fathers. Mother moved from town to town and I learned this was a way of life. Perhaps she was running from something. I cannot remember all of the schools I attended, some for only a couple of weeks. I was a latchkey kid before it was called latchkey and I would put myself to bed at night. I always made many friends and left them. When mom would get a divorce, I went to the farm, my refuge. Mother’s health was not always good, but she worked and gave me presents for my birthday and Christmas. Strangely, I was never allowed to keep them. They disappeared. Even my pets. Nothing was stable or permanent in my life. I ended up raising myself without boundaries and had little fear or common sense and when at 11 years old I dangerously walked alone in the mucky swamp, around the Tampa Bay at midnight to go and see a friend. No one knew where I was or seemed to care. I ran away twice. My thoughts at the time? “Oh, why was I taken from my refuge or the orphanage?” I was an angry, embarrassed, confused and distressed girl when the clinking of my step-father’s wine bottles awakened me in the middle of the night. I do not know where my mother was at the time. Without guidance, I gave up on my grades because I had missed most of the basic teachings by moving so much and lacked an understanding where the Teacher was coming from and I’d fall asleep in class.
Time pushed me through those early rough spots and mother set me up to live on my own. I was 15 and caught shoplifting with a friend and placed in a juvenile home. It was there I met all of the other girls who were “life’s misfits.” These were, the unwanted. The rejects and outcasts in society and I had no idea this was going on. I still see them in my mind. One of the parents actually paid to keep their daughter in there. Some of the girls were quiet and depressed. Many were full of anger and fear. We were all something like rebellious wild ferrels who got caught smoking in the bathroom, brought alcohol and drugs to school, stolen cars, and ran away. Others prostituted themselves and turned to a sexually alternative lifestyle. Every single girl had been abused sexually, mentally and beaten physically and abandoned. We all had a similar story, yet, we were all different. Not one person could understand us. We couldn’t understand ourselves. We were not given good direction or counsel. My own stormy life was filled with shame because that is the way I had been raised. My thoughts were simple: I had been on my own and my mother trusted me and I let her down.
Rewind.
When I was placed in the Catholic Orphanage at 5, sitting on Sister Jane’s lap I started to ask her about spiritual things. I learned about God who was my Father. My real Father, who was holy and loved me deeply. He was faithful and would never leave me. I believed her. Then, I learned about His Son, Jesus Christ who was called “the Lamb of God” who was sent to be a sacrifice on the cross and die for my sins. How I could understand these spiritual things at such an early age, had to be from, The Holy Spirit. I believed! I knew the difference between good and evil. I learned about the Holy Spirit who would be with me forever. Again, I believed! I asked her about Lucifer? Why was he kicked out of heaven? Sister Jane’s reply was; “because he was filled with pride and wanted to be like God.” I learned that pride wasn’t good, but humility was precious in our Father’s eyes. All that I had learned was tucked deep into my heart.
Without going into too much detail, I went on to successfully mess up my life with 2 violently abused marriages, divorces, raped at knife point, a horrendous car accident, drugs, lots of alcohol, and while I was raising my 2 sons alone, I discovered I was pregnant. There are too many unmentionables.
I was full of fear. Today I realize that I heard: “Be still and know I am God.” “Listen to me!”
I was living a life of insanity [sin]. But now, I had to be still. I was trapped. What to do? I felt ashamed and completely helpless. I did not see how I could get myself out of the deep pit I had dug for myself. What would people say? What about my sons? My mother would not talk to me. I was alone.
Sister Jane’s words began to flood back into my life. I began to think: “What about this God? The one I believed to be my father when I was a child?” Where did I stand in His eyes? What does He think of me? What does the Bible say? I knew in my heart, that the Bible was God’s words, but I did not know anything about the Bible. I was told to read the Book of John and learned that I needed to be born-again. I needed to pray. I learned that only My Father could help me. Crying, I knelt down and prayed, asking my childhood Father for forgiveness and to please help me, take my heart, my mind, soul and my life. I learned that God loved me before I ever knew Him, while I was yet in my sin. I learned that It was His Precious Holy Spirit that drew me to Him. He loves me that much! Can you just imagine a loving, merciful God who understands so much more of your mind, your intellect, your emotions, your discouragements, your wounded heart and brokenness and all those past rejections and hurts so much more, than what we can possibly conceive on our own? Can you try to fathom this? Can you believe this? I hope so, because when I got up from my prayer, I was a different person. I had been born-again. I left the old person back on the floor.
Today, I’ve had many years of study, schooling, growth and ministry too. Everything that I had been robbed of, God has replaced a hundred fold in my life! He is a faithful God and true to His word in every way!
Precious Reader..
I wrote all those words to stress, You are not alone when you went through an abused childhood, abused marriage, betrayals, rejections, depressions, confusion, hurts, being bruised and wounded. You are not alone when you get a bad report from the Doctor. You are not alone when your heart begins to hurt because you are fearful, or feel inadequate, lack confidence, feel unloved, are misunderstood or because of all those past memories.
We cannot change our pasts, but we can change our future!
I hope you are listening to me. Many feel there is no one to talk to, but the truth is; most people feel that way! You may think, “If they knew the truth about you and what you have done, would they really care?” Yes! A thousand times yes! There are many people out here who really do care and love you, right where you are in your life! These people are unselfish and a true reflection of the love of Christ.
There are many people out here who have once lived on the edge of life, many who have drowned their sorrows in alcohol or keep circling back to drugs, many who have pornographic, food, sugar addictions, many who were or still are, even in the middle of hidden affairs and those who are deep seated in hate and bitterness! We repeat the habits we’ve made by feeding our lusts that create the very cycles we detest.
It’s all there! But, there is hope!
We all go through the whole thing while we are here and some of our own making.
We cannot choose our parents, but we can choose life.
Hope gives life!
Please stay with me.
"When Jesus heard it, he saith unto them, They that are whole have no need of the physician, but they that are sick: I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.” Mark 2:17, KJV
The answer Jesus gives, comes from an old Jewish Proverb. In a Jewish commentary in Exodus 15:26 that says, “If they are not sick, why do they need a Physician?
Stay with me.
Jesus associated sickness for sinners and health to righteousness. He forgave the paralytic of his sins first and then healed him in Mark 2:1-11
Our Father God used both disease as punishment and a METAPHOR for sin! Exodus 15:26
As a Metaphor, sin destroys our union with God, just as disease destroys our bodies. Sin is a link to Adam and Eve’s first sin, until today; until Jesus became the bridge to our Father when He went to the cross.
Today, Jesus heals all of our sin-induced injuries. Whether you are physically sick or sinfully sick, His Holy Spirit draws us to Him. Jesus did not call healthy people, but sick people to Him. He also gave a kind rebuke to those who considered themselves righteous and not in need of a Savior.
Jesus came for me, because my life was sick, due to sin. I was sinfully sick. Sin will destroy everything in our lives. I realized I needed help. I needed to change my life. I needed a higher power than myself, to pull me out of that pit.
When I emptied myself out the day I prayed and confessed my sins everything I had done was wiped out! Forgiven! Even thrown into the ocean never to be seen again! The Bible says, “And, God remembers them no more!” I was set free from all my chains.
He has given me a life of Grace.
THAT IS HOPE! THAT IS FAITH! That is God’s gift of GRACE to us! That is God’s promise for us, when we humble ourselves and surrender our lives to Him!
I am a grandmother today and I returned to the God of my childhood when I was 28 years old.
You too can have a new life, but your heart has to want change. You have to be willing to take that first step of faith towards our Creator and His Holy Spirit will take you the rest of the way. Will you humble yourself and believe this? Are you ready?
If you are ready, pray this prayer:
Precious Father,
I thank you for your Holy Spirit who changes lives through your written word. I thank you for your Son whose obedient love set me free. I know good from evil and realize I have messed up my life and lived in sin. [name them]_____________. Please forgive me Father. I ask that you would takeover my life. I admit I cannot do it by myself. I need your help Lord. Deliver me from all my bad habits and addictions. Wash me with your water and your blood and make me into that new person, one that like your son Jesus Christ. Direct my path, take over my heart, my mind and my soul, my steps and every part of my life. In Jesus name I ask. Amen.
If you have prayed with an honest humble heart reaching out to God, you have been born again. Now, you must buy a good Bible and seek a good Bible believing church to be fed, meet other believers who will help you with your life and growth and pray for you too. Do this right away. Though you will still have trials, you will learn how to be an overcomer and receive the help you will need along the way. Welcome into the family!
